When you are ready…TALK about it
I have to say, the first 2 weeks after my miscarriage I was NOT ready to talk about it. I’m not sure if my doctor actually mentioned how long I would bleed for, but I was not prepared. She likely did tell me at my appointment, but at that point I was numb and not listening to much. Every day for 2 weeks I woke up reminded of what I had lost. Needless to say, it was rough. I’ve never been good at verbalizing my feelings, even though I realize it is very therapeutic for me once I muster up the courage. I had two close friends who had recently experienced a miscarriage, so I reached out to both of them when I was ready. We talked, we cried and we comforted one another. During those conversations, I remembered I’m not alone. My emotions of sadness, anger and guilt were verified. And although it’s still painful to talk about… I’m sharing my story. I’m reminding others that they are not alone and all of the physical and emotional experiences are normal and acceptable. When you are ready, talk about your miscarriage. You never know who you will be helping.
Tell your partner how you are feeling
Personally, I am not great at verbalizing my feelings and tend to shut down when I’m upset. My husband knows this and will always ensure me he is there for me when I need him. My husband was obviously devastated after our miscarriage, but due to the added physical devastation my body was going through and guilt I was feeling it felt like I was taking it harder. Right after the miscarriage, we didn’t talk about it much. I of course shut down and didn’t express my true feelings of sadness, anger or guilt. It’s very important to not expect your partner to know how you are feeling. They are not mind readers and likely don’t know exactly how to support you after miscarriage. Have conversations with your partner and let them know how you are feeling. Maybe you just need them to listen or maybe you need physical support. Either way, communication is key and very important in order to support one another through this overwhelming time.
Do not compare yourself to anyone else
I have to say I do not remember much from the day I went to my OB office and confirmed the loss of my baby. One thing I do remember is my OB telling me most women have increased fertility the first 3 months after a miscarriage. I tried to hold on to this as it was one positive point of the appointment. I then remembered two of my friends who experienced a miscarriage ended up conceiving healthy babies a few months after their losses. This gave me hope. Unfortunately, I did not get pregnant within the next 3 months. I did not get pregnant within 4 months, 5 months or 6 months. Each month I got my period was a devastating blow. I was angry. Why could others get pregnant so quickly after and I couldn’t? Why would my OB tell me that I was more fertile 3 months after? Then I reminded myself that my body is completely different from anyone else’s. We cannot compare ourselves to others as we are all individuals. My body will know when it is ready and the time is right.
Allow yourself to grieve
Everyone deals with loss differently. No matter what emotions you are experiencing after having a miscarriage, allow yourself to feel them. Do not let anyone else tell you how you are supposed to feel. Processing your emotions is an extremely important part of the grieving process. As I mentioned before, I’m not very good at verbalizing my emotions. What really helped me and allowed me to express my feelings after my miscarriage was journaling. I’m much better at expressing my feelings through writing. That is what worked best for me. Find what works for you and do not be afraid to express how you are feeling.
Focus on gratitude
I must admit this one did not come easy. After my miscarriage I was angry. I found it very easy to feel bad for myself. It felt like right after my miscarriage so many others were announcing their pregnancies on social media. I tried to feel happy for others but this was very difficult. All I could think was why can they have a healthy pregnancy and I can’t. After the first couple weeks, I started to shift my focus. I reminded myself that it was an amazing sign that we actually were able to get pregnant. I have PCOS and we had to use a fertility doctor to conceive our first. I had to keep focusing on the positives. We already have a healthy almost 5 year old. We are surrounding by amazing family and friends. We have our health. I made it a priority to start my day thinking about or writing down 3-5 things I was grateful for. I have a Start Today Journal from Rachel Hollis that I love and it prompts you to write 5 things you are grateful for every day. Doing this as much as possible really helped to remind me all of the things I have to be thankful for in my life. I know this is hard, but remember you have so much to be thankful for as well.
My heart is with you
Having a miscarriage was never a club I wanted to be a part of. Whatever you need to feel or do to help yourself grieve, do it. Do not let anyone else direct your feelings. I also want to encourage you, when you are ready, to talk about your miscarriage. We can support one another and help each other heal. If you need some extra assistance or recommendations, I have added a few links below. If you have been through or are going through a miscarriage, my heart is with you.
https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/emotional-support-after-miscarriage
https://americanpregnancy.org/getting-pregnant/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage-surviving-emotionally/